Very often when we meet people we end up having a drink or meal together. Among good friends, it is almost second nature, but it can be a little awkward if we had only just met. And what makes us uncomfortable in this situation is often not anything else, but the plain concern of who will pay the bill later. Even with good friends, that can be an issue.

Youngsters somehow have it different. They will spontaneously split the expenses, whether equally or by what each consumes. And they have numerous mobile apps that help them do that. Of course there will be some exceptions, but generally that is an unwritten rule.

For the rest of us, happy hours and food hunting are usually full of fun, at least until the bill arrives. Rich or not so rich, different people react differently. And the occasion does play a part.

IF INVITED

It is granted that if someone says “let me buy you a drink”, he would pay for it. If you try to fight for the bill later, that is your problem. But it is really your bad luck if he eventually springs this “shit! I forgot my wallet” routine, but 9 out of 10 you are safe. Otherwise be a little careful. Impromptu hand over shoulder “come on, let us have a drink” or “come join us for something to eat” are very ambiguous. People want to appear nice and extend such invitations freely. You sure can join up, but who pays becomes tricky.

Even if that someone paid for your beer, you may still feel uneasy. We now owe him one. It is like a debt, and normal people will feel obligated to want to return the gesture. And when we decide to reciprocate, we worry about the next thing, i.e. if someone gave you a treat at a wine bar, do you invite them to a coffee shop? The expectations in people vary. Some want the same value back. Or they will bitch about it among friends: “I bought him wine, and he just bought me a cup of coffee, real cheapskate”. Some understand that you can only afford coffee, but appreciate that at least you remember the “debt”. Sure, not everyone can keep up with the Joneses and for many people it is actually a burden. So never presume people feel thrilled when you treat them to a very good meal. Just thinking how to return the favour can be pretty stressful.

And there is the other extreme, this one anecdote about someone who wanted to celebrate his girlfriend’s sweet 21, so he goes around and invites friends but with a request – can you also help pay for the banquet? Well, at least he was frank about it, never mind the embarrassing audacity.

THE SILENT KILLER

Weddings are the most controversial. They cordially invite you to help grace the occasion and share in their joy, eat sumptuous meals and drink the best wines. BUT you are expected to pay for it. They don’t even have to say it. For good friends, we understand. It is a very accepted tradition to gift something here. It is like group insurance, I help you now and you help me later. Over the long run, we help each other defray each other’s outlay for grace and joy. Well, if your turn does come up.

But the issue is not about not paying, but how much to pay. The menu isn’t your choice, and so is the wine. There is the bridal suite which we don’t get to use. And the host wants it at the poshest hotel ballroom, with a 5-piece band and formal attire. Now, all that sure adds up. But must guests also help foot the extra niceties and ambience just because you want to be showy? By today’s standards, a reasonable meal is at most $100 per person. So that should be the amount to gift at every wedding. Don’t get conned by the marketing benchmarks of how much per table is for which restaurant or hotel. And if you want to impress by giving more, it is up to you. But if the host wants to impress, like holding a grand wedding in an opulent location, it is insane to expect the guests to pay for the extra lavishness. In fact, let’s take it a step further. If prestige is so important, he should request that his guests bring no gifts. That will be the mark of a truly wealthy and magnanimous man. Otherwise, just be considerate and spare us the ostentation.

But alas, we humans are slave to our own pride all the time. We hate to lose face. So we feel slighted if not invited. We feel bad by giving too little, and we even have to write our name on the red packet just in case, and that in itself makes it harder to give less. If you sometimes wonder why you are invited when you hardly know the wedding couple, and then left alone in strange company at some table, it is time you wise up. If you are not a very close friend, turn the invite down. Fake a sickness or something. Most times you are invited just to fill up the tables. The wedding couple will not remember you, and by the time it is your turn, your friend who invited you might not be around to reciprocate your kindness. Your tontine money is gone. And if you have one child and your friends each have 3 or 4, you better have very deep pockets.

GATHERINGS

Mutual get-togethers are part of life. We gather for many reasons, and the main reason is enjoying each other’s company because we are good friends. And there will be food, drinks and the like. But remember again, these things cost money and someone has to pay for it.

Most times, we either gather at someone’s house or we gather at an eatery or pub. If it is at home, you eat what is served, or you pot-luck. Simple, you share the cost or you bring something of equivalent value. But don’t bring a family of 5 and contribute one person’s portion. And don’t bring spoilt wine or expired food. Believe me, such people exist.

If it is outside, it gets a little complicated. Just deciding what to order can be an issue. Some don’t drink, some are vegetarian, some are allergic, everyone has his preferences and some eat a lot more or a lot less than others. Some don’t mind the simple stuffs, and some will go for the elaborate ones. At the end, we can split the bill unless it is someone’s sole treat. Otherwise, you will usually meet the following different types of people.

Mr Nice Guy – he will always be the first to want to pay. He will fly to the waiter for the bill, fends you off or fight with you for the tab. Sometimes he leaves his credit card at the cashier before the meal starts. He does it so often people take it for granted, and he may not mind, unless of course he comes to his senses one day, or is broke. But then again, his ego will consume him. So be fair to him, and insist on paying the bill at least once when you are out with him.

Mr Pretence – when the bill comes, this guy will put his hand to his pocket and stand up to try to pay, but he is usually very slow pulling out his wallet and is very weak at fighting you if you took the bill first. Once you have paid it, he is very quick thanking you. Next time, seriously give this guy a chance to pay, even in slow-motion.

Mr Blur – he does not move or say anything when the bill arrives. He just waits and watches, or continues his other conversation. His bet is that there will always be some guy going for the bill. Why fight for it. If they want to split the bill later, he will gladly pay, if not he gets a free meal. And 8 out of 10, he is right, he eats free. Dutch is the only way to go here.

Mr Vulture – he is pretence and blur combined, but with a difference. He additionally orders the best and consumes the most. Logic being that if the bill is split, everyone pays the same so the rest are subsidising his more sumptuous spread; if it’s a treat, bravo! If he has to pay for his own stuffs, well you consume them anyway, nothing is lost. And 9 out of 10 times he wins. Avoid this guy like the plague.

And there are the sad cases. Some are truly generous at heart, even when they actually can’t afford it. You wonder what it is in them to want to appear so nice when it is so hard on his pocket. A few, after picking up the tab and showered with bountiful gratitude, will show their grief and grumble about it when almost everyone is gone. It was like a reluctant deed, conned they feel. Must be having lots of blur friends or they are just teaching Mr Pretence himself a lesson. Some are just deceitfully polite. It costs them nothing to just open the mouth to say “so nice of you” or thank someone profusely and promise the “next time on me” line. Even if it is Dutch, some will ask you to pay for them first, and hope you will not remember it.

NOCUREMAN:

Never take things for granted, especially when it involves the wallet. If you can afford and are willing, there is no issue. Otherwise, decline some invites. Spend less time with the pretence and the blur, and stay clear of the vulture. But also remember the nice guy has limits, for if they keep giving and getting nothing in return, you will lose them one day. Give and take, be fair. No one owes us a living.