Redemption

In the 2020 Netflix Korean drama, Sisyphus, people could time transport themselves to their past and the main reason is to resolve their regrets and hence redeem themselves. One, a policeman, came back to see his dying mum who passed away while he was too busy with his job and was always berating her for being a burden to him. Once back, his sole desire was to cook her favourite dish and just be nice to her, one last time before she passed away. That is a very common theme, when someone has passed on and we regret not having treated the person decently, or to even see him one last time. We all have regrets, and we cannot undo or redo these situations, well unless someone invents the time machine.

Family

Regret is worst when it involves the family. One day when we are much older, and sick in hospital, or having some other health or money or relationship issues, we will look back and wonder about the what-ifs. What if I had listened to my parents, what if I had shared this with my siblings, what if I had taken heed of their advices, and why did I behave like that to family members, why did I rubbish what loved ones told us?

Maybe that’s why some people wail and cry when a loved one dies. If the relationship had been good and you had been awfully nice, then there is no guilt and no need for tears. The dead has lived a good life and we should celebrate the send-off. But if it was otherwise, the sense of guilt and regret can overwhelm at the passing parade. Time may cure most heartaches, but for many of us, the regrets will linger for a long while, and like cancer, it could hurt till we ourselves are gone.

Friends

Good friends are like family. Sometimes it is not you or them that cause relationships to go awry, but either way, we will feel bad. We regret not conscientiously making an effort to stay in touch, being nasty in some ways, and not being understanding or helpful in certain situations. I am not sure, is it really part of human nature?

Surin had cancer, but I was too busy in a new job to spend time with him in his dying days. When he passed away in Bangkok, I could not even take a flight there to say goodbye. That was 30+ years ago. It is one regret that still hounds me.

Next is Gores. We stayed in touch via email since the 80s and met again in Austria and Newark, but a few times I was in Austria in his home village I didn’t even try to contact him. So near yet so far. Then one day the email came from his son and Gores was gone. Just like that and I did not even try to see him when in Austria!

And Norbert. Knew him since the 90s. We drove through Europe twice and even stayed at his place in Dover, UK. We would call each other every Dec festive season. On 25^th Dec 2016 we had another usual chat, vowing again to visit each other soon as the last one was in 2013. A few weeks later, I kept getting overseas calls but did not pick them up thinking they were scam calls. But I did finally, and it was his sis-in-law – Norbert died peacefully on the couch. My regret? You will never get to know.

And lastly, Michael Evans. Someone I lost touch and could never locate again as hard as I tried.

Self

Study hard. Don’t play so much. Don’t drink and drive. Watch your weight. Exercise and look after your health. Don’t stay up too late. Don’t glue yourself to the computer. Don’t spend money on needless stuffs. These are usual coming from our parents when we are younger. But we listen, left ear in, right ear out. I am fine. I know what I am doing. My friends say I look ok. It’s the in thing for people our age. Blah, blah, blah. You nag too much. Its my life, you know. Convenient self-denial.

Fast forward years later – we put on 20kg, we have diabetes, we struggle with our job and money, we look older than we actually are, and we have outgrown our clothes, no longer the youth we dreamt about. It is a rude awakening. Why didn’t I listen, why didn’t I care, why did I kid myself, why didn’t I notice and take heed? Then you look back in time and the big regret comes – helplessness is a terrible feeling, especially if they are a past you cannot revisit and undo. But then again, is it a point of no return yet? You are still in complete control, a real shame not to wise up early and reset the clock. Imagine we can reverse what seems done. Imagine we can avoid the future regrets by dealing with them right now.

Have I learnt?

No matter what we are told, we all tend to relearn things the hard way. Maybe the successful ones are smart enough to realise early and use life’s lessons well. Many times we come to our senses but late. I dislike funeral wakes. Better to heed the living than talk to the dead. Often you see dramas where someone dies and the living keeps saying sorry – sorry I did not call you, sorry I scolded you, sorry I didn’t listen to you, or sorry I was busy. Or you grow older and things happen to you that your loved ones warned you about many many moons ago. Why, why, why?

In our unenlightened human nature, regrets always come too late.