WHY SELF-DESTRUCT – CHAPTER 1

Many times we read of people who come from good families and are well brought up or have succeeded in various ways in life, in sports, in work, or in some celebrated position, but yet they commit crimes and other follies that eventually screw up their lives. You wonder how or why these people, who have “made it”, do things that in our common sense are senseless. And it really pains to watch them continue to do mind boggling things to self-destruct themselves.

THE HONG KONG DOUBLE MURDER

Sentenced to life in prison for killing two women, he was described in newspapers as “Cambridge-educated and once a brilliant superman investment banker earning several million Hong Kong dollars a year”. The judge said he “had been given every possible material advantage in life from a very privileged upbringing to a great career and immense pay check”. The court heard that he became “a bloated, unshaven, permanently intoxicated, isolated and depraved drug and alcohol addict whose mind was permanently obsessed about sadistic sexual fantasies”.

WORLD NO 2

In Japan, people found gambling can face jail terms. Yet this badminton player, just 21 years of age and with lots of potential, had to gamble at an illegal Tokyo casino and get caught. He was suspended and had to miss the Rio Olympics, just 3 months away. Losing 500,000 yen (US$4600) in the casino sounds like chicken feed, but losing the chance for Olympic and world greatness?? You can apologise and be remorseful all you want after the damage is done, but why even step foot into the casino in the first place, let alone a few more times? Why, why self-destruct?

WHAT PRICE BEAUTY?

Stories abound about people undergoing cosmetic surgery to try to look better or younger. Some minor subtle work is OK, but some will keep wanting to go under the knife or injecting things continuously, and eventually they just ruin their face or body and their lives. Some were once really beautiful but over years of disastrous artificial beautification, they have become unrecognisable. The desire to look slim with pills has also destroyed some people.

Being content with one’s looks is a necessary step towards self-confidence. If we keep squeezing our pimples to try to make them go away, our face will scar more and the uglier we look. Like excessive make-up, it is a self-defeating habit. When the make-up is off at night, we turn into another person, and are afraid of others seeing our plain dried up faces. The more you indulge, the more money you waste, but it will not make you look better. Having a little make-up or even wearing contact lenses may be a necessity but when you want the extra sparkling looks and green eyes, you can get so hooked that you throw caution to the wind and just buy as many and types from everywhere. Internet buying is so easy and for the addicted user, the cheap products from unregulated stores on the internet may be unhygienic and cause serious infection and damage to the face and vision. And you can seriously self-destruct.

MR CASINO

As the CEO of a listed company, he drove a big BMW and had a landed property. Only child had married out and no other dependent really in need of his help. With a net worth of a few million $, and living very comfortably, the guy had it made. But he was a gambling man. Each time after a visit to a casino, he would keep his cash-out receipt. And he would show it off to anyone, even to the young gals pushing beer in a pub, boasting how he beat the casino. He swears he wins most of the time. He says he even has a system, like everyone around a roulette table noting down the sequence of winning numbers. On visits to overseas casinos, he is picked up by a limousine, hotel suite on the house, and big meals by virtue of his accumulated betting points. And that is not all. The wife is also a gambling girl. And we now have two high-rollers with access to VVIP rooms, each visit honoured and both recognisable by everyone.

Very few gamblers believe in luck in the casino. It is skill they say. But if you tap their shoulders when they are at the black-jack table, they will scorn at you because shoulder tapping is bad luck. If they run out of money and need some quick cash and borrow from you, and then you ask for it back after they have just recouped their losses, they will curse you as asking for money is bad luck. When you lose big money to the casino, you lose your pride and you seek revenge by going back to try to win your money back. Teach the casino a lesson. And that is usually when all your cards start to fall. It happened to the ex-CEO. House sold, bank accounts emptied and now you owe the casino. All the credits and overdraft they gave you have to be repaid with interest. And now you have to borrow from friends to repay your casino debts. Self-destruct at its worst.

TWO-TALE PROPERTY

The guy and his wife brought up two nice kids on government jobs, and they have lived in the same house for the last 40 years. Bought for about $2-300K, it is now worth more than a $M. Savings went into pension funds. Years passed and the nest egg grew and they are now comfortably enjoying retired life, with no money worries. Everyone is happy.

Contrast this with another family. They had a good business and lived well and bought their first house. Then they invested in a new property when properties bloomed. Loans were easy and cheap. They then exited their business but continued to work for salaries. With a few kids, things started to get tight, so they sold one and suddenly they were cash rich. They can even afford two smaller investment properties and still had some money left to actually live happily ever after. But no, we have Joneses to keep up with. So the money in the bank goes into an even more expensive property, in an even better neighbourhood with an even nicer view. But wait, you need a loan to additionally finance the new buy. So now we have to sell all the remaining properties in a bad market just to live in this new place. With more monthly repayments and tighter cash, every spending has to be considered. Life becomes a bit hard. But the house is great. People will praise it, visitors will love it, but hopefully the inhabitants are happy. Living it up, and beyond your means, is self-destructing.

BUY, BUY, BUY

When you are in love with golf, you will buy new clubs to try out each time they are released or when someone talks about it. Even when you already have one of the latest sets that suits you well. There is always this belief – when you are playing well, you expect new or better clubs to make you play even better. And with the new clubs, you try to adjust your swing and if it works well, fine. But in most cases, eventually your game just falls apart. It is normal to blame the clubs when we are playing badly, so we buy and try, and buy and try. New toys are irresistible but they may just destroy your game, your confidence and your joy.

And that goes with shoes, clothes and things that people think will make them look better. And so we shop and we buy. Just enough is not enough. It is a spending spree, not in one shopping outing, but an endless habit to buy and keep. Never mind if it’s the same colour but it has a smaller collar; never mind if it’s the same design but a different colour. You must have it. Never mind if you use it once and then it sits in your wardrobe for the next 10 years gathering dust, you buy it. Two is not enough, twenty feels better. And you don’t need to go to a mall to shop. The internet shops will deliver to you. Using the credit card helps, because no cash is seen going out – just type numbers. And then the payments gradually eat at your bank account and you don’t have enough cash for rainy days. Your money dwindles, you don’t look any better, your cupboard fills up, and you keep loved-ones on tenterhooks whether you will self-destruct in this meaningless buying, buying and more buying.

NOCUREMAN

It is extremely difficult, and impossible sometimes, to get an avid gambler to give up his habit. Many such people just ultimately destroy themselves and their families. Even when we have a good thing going, and despite good counsel, some of us will still inevitably do things to just screw it up. When we are deep into something, with our secrets hidden and no one to point out the senselessness of our habits, we are onto a dangerous self-destructing path.

People are aware drugs are bad, yet they keep consuming them till too late. Many think they have things under control and they can stop when they want. But things can quickly spiral out of control. You get influenced and you seek solace with like-minded friends. Over time as you hide and console yourself it becomes a norm for you – whether with alcohol, smoking, fast cars, looking good, compulsive buying, work and many more. When people advise us, we fight back. Some of us won’t change and one day we will self-destruct. That day will come and no amount of apologies or regret will help. We salute all who do come to their senses.

 

Room 25 is B2 class. It has 6 beds and like the rest of Ward 46 is incredibly busy. Nurses and doctors scurry along the long and not so wide corridor, entering and exiting the 26 rooms, while a few beds with patients in them line the passage way. There is not so much noise in Room 25 although off and on, you hear a shrill cry coming from the room next door. It is a cry of pain.

There is no toilet in Room 25. Everyone in Ward 46 shares a common patients-only toilet outside in the corridor. The room is air-conditioned but yet has a ceiling fan above every bed. It looks modern and well-equipped. Each bed is automated and can even take the weight of the patient lying down. Against the head wall of each bed is a white board, with specific notes regarding each patient, but none was updated that day. The view through the window of Room 25 is impressive, but except for visitors near the window, no one bothered. The patients, when unattended, either just sleep or lie in bed watching the goings-on, preoccupied more with their lives than the view.

Ward 46 is no ordinary ward.

THE ROUTINE

At about 2.30 pm, a gang of uniformed staff accompanied by a trolley enters the room. It is handover time for a new shift. Someone, pointing to a computer screen on the trolley, talks and others take notes. It is probably about each patient’s details and medication schedule; maybe habits or peculiarities which the computer records don’t tell.

The ward is now swarmed with activity. Male and female staff of various ethnicities (Chinese, Malay, Indian, Filipinos) move around to attend to most of the patients. Some for their medical needs and some for simple requests like food, drinks or the toilet. Others offer words of comfort.

Room 25 has only male patients.

BED 1

Looking at least 70+, he came to the room 5 days ago after a stroke.  Head drooped to one side he looks like he is asleep most of the time, with no noise except occasional grunts. He takes no solid food, fed with liquid in a tube through his nose. Restraint gloves are in both hands to prevent him sub-consciously pulling the tube out of his face. Regularly, he has to be hooked onto a machine to help him clear phlegm from his throat. But you can see his open eyes when you walk past him, and he is awake.

BED 2

He lost one kidney after a cancer bout 20 years ago. Now 72, he has stomach cancer. He looks alert, acknowledges visitors, and seems like a very nice guy. Good mannered, he converses well in English. But he too cannot eat and has to be tube-fed. Today is his 8th and last day in Room 25, and he has to move upstairs to the hospital’s cancer unit for chemotherapy. Someone visited and after a moving discussion, he says he will make his own decision. Whatever that is, it was too much to bear for the grief-stricken visitor.

The bed emptied but soon enough came a 30-ish medium-sized heavy guy who had not been able to shit for a few days. He speaks crassly over his hand phone and walks around with half his underwear exposed. And just like him, his 2 female visitors had this same unfriendly snobbish air about them. He left after 3 days. Maybe he could finally shit while in Room 25.

Next came a 63 year-old with a heart problem straight from work. He was still in his uniform and hard black work shoes. No one came with him. Soon after he calls someone over the phone, and from the conversation it sounded like his wife, a young wife. Of the 6 patients at that time, he was the most mobile. He will put on his heavy-set work shoes that he came in with, and which he keeps under his bed, and walks out the room on his own, maybe to the toilet. There are no hospital-provided shoes or slippers, other than your gown. He asks for food every now and then, and even when he is not supposed to drink, he asks for coffee. If not attended to, he laments why there is no food, and what if he dies before he gets his next meal. Even with air-conditioning, he has his fan above him turned on. Whether related to his illness or not, he frequently clears his throat ever so loudly and then spits into a plastic bag. And the young nurses are at his beck and call. With the curtain pulled round his bed, it is difficult to know what physiotherapy treatment they give him. In the 2 days since he checked in he had one visitor who stayed 5 minutes. No one saw the wife, unless she came late at night.

BED 3

The 87 year-old has dementia and Parkinson’s since 5 years ago. He is here after suffering a lumbar fracture from a fall. The man is hardly awake, as he lies there quietly not asking for anything and not disturbing anyone. There is constantly a family member there for him, to feed him and to watch over him. Quite regularly, when someone visits, he will be nudged and asked if he recognises the visitor. Maybe it helps exercise his faculties or maybe it is to say so-and-so has come to pay respects. Sometimes he mistakes someone for another, but hopefully he can appreciate the visitations.

Initial tests showed low blood count and he needed transfusions. Then they noticed he had blood in his diapers, so they checked him for piles but none, and finally a scope was done. Almost 10 days after admission, they say he has a tumour in his intestines. It is stage 4 and has spread to the liver. The doctors and family members discuss. The tumour is blocking processed food through to the rectum. If he eats, things will pile up upwards. It is not an easy decision, and they finally opt for stoma surgery without touching the tumour.

The day before surgery, 4 doctors visited him. They asked him to move his limbs one by one, open and close his mouth, and tested other functions, presumably to assess his suitability for surgery. A dentist visited later to check his dental condition, whether there were any loose tooth that might have to be removed prior to the operation. When you go under general anaesthetics at this age, anything can happen. There are many things to do, answer questions, fill forms, explain the risks, get ready blood for transfusion, and then the long anxious wait.

The stoma took just about an hour to do but in all it took 4 hours before he was wheeled out of the operating theatre, out of immediate danger and into a high dependency ward in another block. No need for ICU and no more Ward 46.

BED 4

He looked 90+ years of age, and just out from a gallstone operation. The nurse sets up a drip for him. Conscious and alert, he asks what is in the drip. He has poor vision and cannot see what is on the wall clock nearby but he wants to know the time of day. 2 doctors came by to check and talk to him. They seem to know his condition well and they talk to him like they know him personally as well. Whatever happens, he appears to be in good hands.

BED 5

He moved into the ward after 5 weeks in another hospital and is now in Room 25 for more than 12 days, the longest stay by anyone this far. His hair is almost all gone and he is all skin and bones. Presumably very weak he never leaves his bed, and his voice is not so audible you have to strain your ears to understand him. He is 70+ and has Parkinson’s too but we don’t know what else. Like BED 2, he is always enquiring about food, and is quite particular about it, complaining why it is always the same, pushing away some meals and asking instead for biscuits, and wanting no rice but porridge. At visiting hours, a lady came and brought some noodles for him. Finally it is something he has been craving to eat, and he is so happy. The noodles certainly made his day.

BED 6

Just 40, the man had been shitting blood for a month. The young wife came while he was out for some tests. She was probably really tired as she took over the bed, covered herself with the blanket and slept soundly for like 2 hrs. No one bothered as under the sheets she looked just like any other patient. 2 days later, he was discharged. An operation has been scheduled but he has to wait at home.

After they changed the bed sheets, someone in his late 60s arrived with a heart problem. He sounded educated and he was not in a good mood. Someone tried to offer him some water but he snapped back. Maybe it is the room or the company, but obviously he hated to be in Room 25. After 2 days, he too left to wait out his operation.

Barely 1 hr later, with a further change of sheets, another man was wheeled in, wife and maid in tow. He was able to rattle off his IC and name. His feet had stumps, ravaged by diabetes. He, wife and maid rattled off his condition to the nurse.

Another patient, another case, another life.

NOCUREMAN:

If we ever fall seriously ill, we just could end up in a ward 46. Most people will anyway. What will we be thinking about lying there, how long will we stay, will we suffer pain, will our loved ones come every day, can we get our favourite meals, will we be cured or will we be fearing death? Can it be a blissful sleep oblivious to what may happen? By that time, it probably won’t matter anymore.

The hospital staff will go about their jobs. They will smile and will be nice. Doctors will try their best. Friends and family will visit. But at the end, it is only us who lie there, some hoping for a miracle and some biding their time. A few will get out. Whatever will be, will be, but it will come to everyone one day.

Very often when we meet people we end up having a drink or meal together. Among good friends, it is almost second nature, but it can be a little awkward if we had only just met. And what makes us uncomfortable in this situation is often not anything else, but the plain concern of who will pay the bill later. Even with good friends, that can be an issue.

Youngsters somehow have it different. They will spontaneously split the expenses, whether equally or by what each consumes. And they have numerous mobile apps that help them do that. Of course there will be some exceptions, but generally that is an unwritten rule.

For the rest of us, happy hours and food hunting are usually full of fun, at least until the bill arrives. Rich or not so rich, different people react differently. And the occasion does play a part.

IF INVITED

It is granted that if someone says “let me buy you a drink”, he would pay for it. If you try to fight for the bill later, that is your problem. But it is really your bad luck if he eventually springs this “shit! I forgot my wallet” routine, but 9 out of 10 you are safe. Otherwise be a little careful. Impromptu hand over shoulder “come on, let us have a drink” or “come join us for something to eat” are very ambiguous. People want to appear nice and extend such invitations freely. You sure can join up, but who pays becomes tricky.

Even if that someone paid for your beer, you may still feel uneasy. We now owe him one. It is like a debt, and normal people will feel obligated to want to return the gesture. And when we decide to reciprocate, we worry about the next thing, i.e. if someone gave you a treat at a wine bar, do you invite them to a coffee shop? The expectations in people vary. Some want the same value back. Or they will bitch about it among friends: “I bought him wine, and he just bought me a cup of coffee, real cheapskate”. Some understand that you can only afford coffee, but appreciate that at least you remember the “debt”. Sure, not everyone can keep up with the Joneses and for many people it is actually a burden. So never presume people feel thrilled when you treat them to a very good meal. Just thinking how to return the favour can be pretty stressful.

And there is the other extreme, this one anecdote about someone who wanted to celebrate his girlfriend’s sweet 21, so he goes around and invites friends but with a request – can you also help pay for the banquet? Well, at least he was frank about it, never mind the embarrassing audacity.

THE SILENT KILLER

Weddings are the most controversial. They cordially invite you to help grace the occasion and share in their joy, eat sumptuous meals and drink the best wines. BUT you are expected to pay for it. They don’t even have to say it. For good friends, we understand. It is a very accepted tradition to gift something here. It is like group insurance, I help you now and you help me later. Over the long run, we help each other defray each other’s outlay for grace and joy. Well, if your turn does come up.

But the issue is not about not paying, but how much to pay. The menu isn’t your choice, and so is the wine. There is the bridal suite which we don’t get to use. And the host wants it at the poshest hotel ballroom, with a 5-piece band and formal attire. Now, all that sure adds up. But must guests also help foot the extra niceties and ambience just because you want to be showy? By today’s standards, a reasonable meal is at most $100 per person. So that should be the amount to gift at every wedding. Don’t get conned by the marketing benchmarks of how much per table is for which restaurant or hotel. And if you want to impress by giving more, it is up to you. But if the host wants to impress, like holding a grand wedding in an opulent location, it is insane to expect the guests to pay for the extra lavishness. In fact, let’s take it a step further. If prestige is so important, he should request that his guests bring no gifts. That will be the mark of a truly wealthy and magnanimous man. Otherwise, just be considerate and spare us the ostentation.

But alas, we humans are slave to our own pride all the time. We hate to lose face. So we feel slighted if not invited. We feel bad by giving too little, and we even have to write our name on the red packet just in case, and that in itself makes it harder to give less. If you sometimes wonder why you are invited when you hardly know the wedding couple, and then left alone in strange company at some table, it is time you wise up. If you are not a very close friend, turn the invite down. Fake a sickness or something. Most times you are invited just to fill up the tables. The wedding couple will not remember you, and by the time it is your turn, your friend who invited you might not be around to reciprocate your kindness. Your tontine money is gone. And if you have one child and your friends each have 3 or 4, you better have very deep pockets.

GATHERINGS

Mutual get-togethers are part of life. We gather for many reasons, and the main reason is enjoying each other’s company because we are good friends. And there will be food, drinks and the like. But remember again, these things cost money and someone has to pay for it.

Most times, we either gather at someone’s house or we gather at an eatery or pub. If it is at home, you eat what is served, or you pot-luck. Simple, you share the cost or you bring something of equivalent value. But don’t bring a family of 5 and contribute one person’s portion. And don’t bring spoilt wine or expired food. Believe me, such people exist.

If it is outside, it gets a little complicated. Just deciding what to order can be an issue. Some don’t drink, some are vegetarian, some are allergic, everyone has his preferences and some eat a lot more or a lot less than others. Some don’t mind the simple stuffs, and some will go for the elaborate ones. At the end, we can split the bill unless it is someone’s sole treat. Otherwise, you will usually meet the following different types of people.

Mr Nice Guy – he will always be the first to want to pay. He will fly to the waiter for the bill, fends you off or fight with you for the tab. Sometimes he leaves his credit card at the cashier before the meal starts. He does it so often people take it for granted, and he may not mind, unless of course he comes to his senses one day, or is broke. But then again, his ego will consume him. So be fair to him, and insist on paying the bill at least once when you are out with him.

Mr Pretence – when the bill comes, this guy will put his hand to his pocket and stand up to try to pay, but he is usually very slow pulling out his wallet and is very weak at fighting you if you took the bill first. Once you have paid it, he is very quick thanking you. Next time, seriously give this guy a chance to pay, even in slow-motion.

Mr Blur – he does not move or say anything when the bill arrives. He just waits and watches, or continues his other conversation. His bet is that there will always be some guy going for the bill. Why fight for it. If they want to split the bill later, he will gladly pay, if not he gets a free meal. And 8 out of 10, he is right, he eats free. Dutch is the only way to go here.

Mr Vulture – he is pretence and blur combined, but with a difference. He additionally orders the best and consumes the most. Logic being that if the bill is split, everyone pays the same so the rest are subsidising his more sumptuous spread; if it’s a treat, bravo! If he has to pay for his own stuffs, well you consume them anyway, nothing is lost. And 9 out of 10 times he wins. Avoid this guy like the plague.

And there are the sad cases. Some are truly generous at heart, even when they actually can’t afford it. You wonder what it is in them to want to appear so nice when it is so hard on his pocket. A few, after picking up the tab and showered with bountiful gratitude, will show their grief and grumble about it when almost everyone is gone. It was like a reluctant deed, conned they feel. Must be having lots of blur friends or they are just teaching Mr Pretence himself a lesson. Some are just deceitfully polite. It costs them nothing to just open the mouth to say “so nice of you” or thank someone profusely and promise the “next time on me” line. Even if it is Dutch, some will ask you to pay for them first, and hope you will not remember it.

NOCUREMAN:

Never take things for granted, especially when it involves the wallet. If you can afford and are willing, there is no issue. Otherwise, decline some invites. Spend less time with the pretence and the blur, and stay clear of the vulture. But also remember the nice guy has limits, for if they keep giving and getting nothing in return, you will lose them one day. Give and take, be fair. No one owes us a living.

THE OTHER SIDE OF GOLF

Golf is often touted as a gentleman’s game, or so it seems. We can be truly nice and noble elsewhere, but when it comes to golf, our stranger side shows up. Maybe it’s the high stakes or the macho thing. Or blame it on golf’s myriad rules and situations, for they trap us and unwittingly expose our innate flaws and follies. And it doesn’t matter who you are. So, if you are about to pick up golf be prepared to see the worst in yourself and your friends. If you still happily play the game, good for you and carry on. But if you regularly suffer in silence, or vent your frustrations only when you get home, read on and enjoy the anecdotes. They may help you.

TOO MUCH, TOO LITTLE

If you play golf, you will have rules thrown at you some time or other, even if it’s a social round. Now, rules are important in every sport. It makes winning meaningful and boasting legit. In soccer, you can escape by feigning a foul to get a penalty, and they will tell you that it is part and parcel of the game. In golf, there are a lot more and stricter rules to follow, whether you are a seasoned golfer or a newbie to the game. But while some may be familiar with the rules, they so often flout them. Some out of ignorance or misinterpretation, but some shrewdly continue with their wayward ways without any compunction. Many of these rules won’t make a difference to most players, but they slow the game down, they make people argue and unhappy, they embarrass your boss or guests and they turn some friends into crooks.

IMAGINE: We have 2 sets of rules. One for the pros and serious pretenders, i.e. the official Royal St Andrews/USGA pocket-size rulebook, which has 200+ pages and at least 130 sub-rules. And the other one for lay golfers, a simple 2-page leaflet containing only the most basic rules like free drops, penalties and simple etiquette. Forget those finer but trivial stuffs, like if the ball moves when you address it – no problem. Ground the club in the bunker; repair a spike mark on the green – no problem. Hitting a golf ball is already tough enough so why have grown-ups fight over these little inconsequential rules.

AN EYE FOR AN EYE

It is good manners to stay still and silent when golfers are teeing off. You learn a lot of that just watching the professionals play on Golf Channel. But some players choose to practise their swings or engage in some conversation close by just when you are hitting your shot. Or they stand very close to you or right behind your swing path. Some do it on purpose to annoy you so you hit a bad drive, but some just have no idea it might affect you. Some think a sorry is good enough, but in golf a sorry is always too late. It sounds simple, but people like that rarely change. If they stop doing it to you, they will do it to someone else, or somewhere else.

Some just have a knack of making you feel worse after a bad shot. Like when you push your ball out-of-bounds (OB), they shout ‘why you hit it there, it is OB you know’! Hell, who deliberately wants to hit a ball OB? They will tell you ‘you topped it; so short; went bunker’ like we can’t see the obvious ourselves. Then there are the teaching pros among us who will not hesitate to analyse your swing immediately after every shot – “you looked up; swing too fast; never follow through”. Most are oblivious to your feelings. And the pain continues shot after shot.

Just when you are preparing to hit a pretty tough shot, this guy comes along and tells you horror stories about the shot you are about to make. He had been there before, certainly not easy, he says. Your head is now screwed up in knots but you go ahead to take the shot anyway, only to top your ball into the water. What a helpful friend.

And then there are golfers who can’t resist standing in your line of putt. If you gesture to them, they will grudgingly drag their heavily shackled feet maybe 2 feet away but still very much in your line. Each time they can benefit from your putt, they would do just that – stand in your line. Some even squat down behind you to watch your putt. And they think you are petty if you mind. And then there are those who have no idea where your ball marker is, and will crisscross your intended line of putt just to read his own line or when triumphantly striding to the cup after sinking a long putt. To a self-centered golfer, only his game matters – yours, oops sorry!

IMAGINE: These things are pretty harmless, so just endure them. But if they affect you, then give them back the same medicine. If they don’t seem bothered, forgive them as they are genuinely ignorant. If they get bothered, give them the “you can, but I cannot?” lecture. You will be surprised how fast people can learn, and how easy they can forget.

PITY OR AVOID THEM

“Did you see my ball, where is my ball?” your buggy-mate keeps asking. If he is driving the buggy, he will race straight to look for his ball, regardless where your ball is. To him, your ball is secondary. He must locate his first and fast, like the ball may decide to hide itself. The more savvy ones will drop you at where your ball could be and then drive off to look for theirs, especially if they hit it to some awkward place – there the ball may be delicately kicked out of the deep rough or OB line, if unfound a new ball may magically appear or the ball’s lie is deftly improved with some club flick or fancy footwork – and suddenly a great shot is hit out of a seemingly bad lie from nowhere. When players don’t want you to help them look for their ball, better be very wary and watch them closely.

Everyone saw where his ball landed right there on the fairway, but the player will still pick the ball up “to identify” it, and then replace it floating neatly on the Bermuda grass. Some balls sink deep into the rough, but some players will quickly call out “my ball is plugged” and proceed to pick it up and drop it on a better patch without waiting for anyone to verify it. Well, all of us always wish for better lies, but some have this compulsive instinct to just go ahead and improve it anyway, and anywhere.

When you see a ball on the ground along your line of play, it is expected that you just leave it there. But for some there is always this urge so long as no one is around. And it may not matter what ball it is, Titleist Pro V1 or whatnots. So you pick it up. Sure enough someone suddenly appears and asks if you had seen a Pro V1. Some people would qualify for Hollywood and say no. Some will reluctantly take it out of their pocket and throw it on the ground. It is like finders keepers and you just don’t get it. And there are those who will play your ball if it happens to be near to where they can’t find theirs. They pretend to recognise it, and coolly continue their play with your ball. It means nothing to such people – they either elude being caught, or they plead mistaken belief. No guilt or embarrassment whatsoever.

You will lay bare your character on the golf course, if you are the vulgar hot-tempered, impatient or boorish type. Like after a terribly bad shot, the expletives come out coupled with repeated slamming of the club on the ground. It is not his turn yet, but he goes ahead and hits or putts his ball anyway. He mishits his ball dangerously towards your direction and just turns nonchalantly away. He hits the ball onto the green knowing you are still there. No warning shouts and no sorry. Some pretend they can’t see you. Some think it is their right because you are not fast enough. Some believe their money can buy anything. Some are just unforgivable idiots.

IMAGINE: Nothing much can help these people, although most certainly deserve our pity for a bad upbringing. You can avoid them but don’t bring yourself down to their level. For the dangerous ones, the only justice is they get hit by a ball some times. Or, if it is a clearly reckless shot and it injures someone, he should be charged and put in jail.

TO LAUGH OR TO CRY

Few are blatant cheats. But many will find all means to try to get an advantage, beginning at the tee box. Tee-markers are there for a purpose, like a starting line. But some will tee up ahead of that line to try to gain a few precious inches off the tee. When you point it out, they will go to the side and try to disprove you or they move their tee like an inch back. Then they repeat it at the next hole. And if someone has this habit on the tee box, better observe his ways for the rest of the play.

The same gain craving happens on the green. The usual way most golfers mark their ball on the green is to gently place something like a coin just behind the ball. The more ingenious will throw their coin when no one is watching, aiming to land it somewhere between the ball and the hole. That sure shortens the distance of your putt. Then there are those who will shove their coin deep underneath the ball to mark it, but when replacing the ball they put it some inches in front of the coin. Another will put their marker to the side of the ball, and then replace the ball in front of the marker. This way, if you mark and re-mark a few times, you could end up a lot closer to the hole and qualify for a “putter-length” gimme. Some are really a natural and will unashamedly persist with such routines. They usually get away with it as few golfers like to openly confront them on the green, although they will bitch about it after the game.

Then there are golfers who always need to know the exact distance from ball to target each time they want to hit a shot. Never mind how good they are. They test the wind, pull out their range finder, measure, pick a club, measure again, and waste precious minutes to decide which club to use. They will measure even when just a short pitch away from the green. And don’t be too happy if your buggy mate has a range finder. Most times he will not share the info or the device with you. It is an expensive device, you know, so BYO. Some people forget that to know and to do are very different things in golf.

And some seriously refuse to buy their own balls. They even go to a driving range to pilfer some. That’s why occasionally we come across balls marked “Range Practice” on the course. Some resort to ball fishing while they play. They carry this extended “ball picker” golf club lookalike and walk the periphery of every water body along the course. They will volunteer to retrieve your ball if it happens to be in the water, and then continue to collect 3 more. To some, it is like a drug, an addiction – if I can’t pick 5 balls a day, it is a bad day at golf.

IMAGINE: Let it be if you have only these kinds of friends to play with. If they are told, they will be upset with you, rather than be shy about it. Also nobody says you cannot be well-heeled and cheapskate at the same time.

CAN’T BEAT THEM, JOIN THEM

If you happen to play well, golf is a lot of fun; if not, it is really miserable. Beating your friends or winning a competition is everything, no matter what they tell you. And some are so driven they do all kinds of things to try to win – ignoring rules, altering scores, colluding with flight-mates or just being difficult with everything – whether for a trophy, a little wager or just boasting rights. Then there are those who will mask their real ability. A few want pride in a low handicap, but most prefer a higher one for obvious reasons. And it is easy to manage scores and handicaps, like 3-putting from 3 feet after a hole is lost or playing triples and quadruples when nothing more is at stake. Next is not to submit good scores. So when you meet a stranger on the 1^st Tee who tries to initiate a friendly wager, just play poker – call his bluff if your own handicap is a bloated one.

But the joy or misery does not stop at the end of each game. Some are fortunate to have honourable and generous friends to play with, so settling the after-game meals and drinks is an easy task. But some will order the most and the best if they win, but will cite a home emergency when they lose. Some leave their own personal tab for whoever ends up paying at the end of the day. Some will forget their wallet and then forget they owe you. Some sing their favourite leaving line “next time on me”. And you wonder how a few always manage to beat everybody and very rarely get to pay anything.

IMAGINE: Be smart. It is impossible to police every golfer’s handicap, so take your risks if you wish to have a wager. Avoid the scrooge. And remember there are no poor golfers, and no one will pity you when you lose.

NOCUREMAN:

Every golfer has his pet peeves, but if you are unable to openly tell your fellow golfers in the face, just subtly point them here. For some, it is impossible to change. For others, hopefully they will get the hint.

Have fun, anyway.